A FATHER'S LOVE
[Author's note: This piece is very unusual for me. This is probably the most transparent thing I have written in a long time. But unfortunately it is a message that many need to hear. I feel God is saying to me and others that He is tired of the "superchristian" and is looking for real people to serve Him. Those willing to admit that they fail. The world is tired of the "superchristian" and is looking for the real thing. So here I am admiting that I have failed. As usual if you have any problems with my writing, e-mail me pro or con. I'll listen. If you choose to forward this, it is optional if you send this note with it. Last note, even though my earthly father
has permantly withdrawn his love from me, I will always continue to love him, and pray for a restoration. I will try to keep the details basic to show some respect to him.]
Last night, (Feb 14, 00), was probably one of the hardest in my life. I had finally realized that my father's love for me was all a lie. Sound harsh? Wait and listen. My father's love for me has been conditional the whole almost 30 years of my life. I have spent most of my life jumping through his invisible hoops trying to earn his love. But at the time I didn't see it that way. I wanted daddy to love me so bad that I would do about anything to please him. But I thought we had a good relationship, I could talk to him and I thought he was listening.
But I can look back and see, my thoughts were his thoughts; my ideas were his ideas; his likes my likes; and the list goes on. Last night was really the first time in my life that I stood up for myself and told him "NO". He was not a happy camper. He basically told me that if I don't change my stand, then he will cut off our friendship. He did not care where I stood or why, all he cared about was that I was not doing what he wanted me to do.
And that's when I realized the lie of his love. My father only loved me when I was doing what he wanted me to do. He could care less about Karla, he wanted a little Roger. I am not going to lie and say I could care less, because I have shed enough tears to fill the Grand Canyon and then a few other places.
Since I feel his love is conditional (I will only love you when you do what I want you to do), I am sort of relieved that he is gone. I am not going to jump through his invisible hoops anymore to earn his love, at the age of 30 I shouldn't have to. He should recoginize me as an adult and respect my opinions, not try to change them.
A friend told me last week, "Karla right now my halo is fallen to my knees and I am not feeling very spiritual right now." I laughed and could see the hidden truth, right now my halo is not only at my feet, it is dented from being thrown around in frustration.
The One thing I have never doubted through this is my Father's love for me. Even though my earthly father has withdrawn his love from me, God still loves me, not only that He understands what I am going through. I want to share some verses that have truly spoken to me today.
Jesus also knows what it is like to be rejected. Isaiah 53:3 (NIV) He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
And not only was Jesus rejected by man, for a moment on the cross when our sins were laid on Him, Jesus was rejected by His own Father! (see Mark 15:34)
Another verse we always hear about Jesus is Proverbs 18:24 (NIV) A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
The following verse, I have gotten in several e-mails in different forms over the past week. I think God knew what was going to happen and was starting to prepare me. Isaiah 49:15 (NIV) "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has born? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!" God has not forgotten about me, He still loves me even when others don't!
And I like the next verse too: Isaiah 49:16 (NIV)
"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."
And the last verse I want to share today just jumped off the page at me when I was flipping through my Bible today. Isaiah 54:10 (NIV) "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Last night and tonight I have been sustained by the Love of my heavenly Father, who loves me still and will never make me jump through hoops. He loves me right now, mistakes, opinions and all. That love is never going anywhere. His Word has promised me that!
